


Knowing Him

by justsomebucky



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Anxiety, F/M, Fluff, It's pretty dorky, Mild Language, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-28
Updated: 2017-10-28
Packaged: 2019-01-25 19:41:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12539680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justsomebucky/pseuds/justsomebucky
Summary: This is for another writing challenge. My prompt was the song “How Will I Know?” by the iconic Whitney Houston. It’s short and fluffy. I listened to this song so many times I need a five-year break from it, haha.





	Knowing Him

> _There’s a boy I know, he’s the one I dream of  
>  Looks into my eyes, takes me to the clouds above_

You had another dream about him.

That was your first thought, first realization, _first eye roll_ of the day as you awoke that Saturday morning.  Eight dates was all it took…a mere one month of dating and you were already all-in with this one. There was just something about him…not that you wanted to be that way. Normally you were cautious with your heart.

It was a simple, soft morning as pale light streamed through your window and all over the room. Saturdays were usually your day to get a couple extra hours of sleep, but lately you’d been waking up on your own, always just after sunrise. It was like your subconscious was eager to start the day even if your body didn’t always want to cooperate.

You got out of bed almost lazily, as if slowing down the process would allow the images from your dream to linger. It was easy to get lost in the romanticism of it all, after growing up with Disney movies that brainwashed you with this starry-eyed happily-ever-after stuff.

> _Ooh I lose control, can’t seem to get enough  
>  When I wake from dreaming, tell me is it really love_

In the dream, Bucky held you in his arms, something that wasn’t unusual. You felt safe and happy, which was also normal. But then…

It was totally normal to dream about saying ‘ _I love you’_ to someone you had only been dating for a month…wasn’t it?

After all, dreams were where implausible, crazy things happened. It was almost like the dream where you go to school in your underpants and don’t realize it, or the one where you clench your jaw and crunch all your teeth together by accident. They were just fears coming to mind while you were asleep, so that your brain could confront a fear or something.

It didn’t mean anything… _right_?

“Right,” you confirmed aloud to absolutely no one.

You made your way to the kitchen, still in your pajamas, and settled on a quick bowl of cereal for breakfast. Cereal was comfortable and familiar, like your pajamas, like the couch you sat down on, like the news anchors on TV who’d been there for nearly a decade…

…and familiar meant that you knew all about it. It meant that you weren’t second-guessing anything, because you didn’t have to. You weren’t wondering if you were crazy or imagining things, imagining feelings that weren’t really there.

Could your new relationship really be going this well? It seemed almost absurd to you. All your past experiences were nothing like this.

You heard your phone ring, the dream dilemma momentarily forgotten as you realized (with a really loud groan) that it was still on the counter next to the cereal box. You stood up and set your cereal bowl on the coffee table, making your way to the phone to stop its incessant ringing.

A quick glance at the caller ID told you who it was. “Hey, Wanda.”

“Y/N! You’re actually awake?” Her voice was cheerful as usual, though her thick accent always seemed to make her sound bored to someone who didn’t know her as well as you.

You leaned against the counter, vaguely wondering how long it would take for your cereal to get soggy. “Yeah, it’s this new…thing…anyways, what’s up?”

“I was calling to see if you had plans today. I thought maybe you’d wanna catch a movie or something? I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.”

That was eye roll moment number two. “I’m not as busy as you think, Wanda, it’s just that we have similar work schedules.”

“And you’ve been seeing that Borky guy-“

“Bucky,” you corrected her, biting back a smile. She knew what his damn name was, she was just agitated that he’d taken up a lot of your time lately.

“Whatever,” Wanda sighed. “Are you in or not? The weather’s going to be perfect for staying inside.”

That’s exactly what you had been thinking, though you were hoping to stay in your pajamas. “Sure, Wanda, but can we watch a movie here on Netflix or something instead of going out?”

“Yes! That works for me.”

“Okay. Maybe we can order in, too.”

She paused for a second. “I was worried that you might ditch me for _him_ again.”

“You ditch me for Vis all the time,” you reminded her. “Remember the trip I planned?”

Before Bucky, before you had even decided to try dating again, you had planned a little trip to a music festival upstate you’d been wanting to go to for years. You plotted the entire weekend and sent the details to Wanda, only to have her thank you and go with her boyfriend instead.

“I thought you planned a romantic trip for us,” she protested with a laugh. “It’s not my fault you wanted the romance for you and me instead.”

“You are so funny,” you muttered, glancing back at your cereal. Yeah, it was probably mush by now.

“Oh, you know you love me. At least I have that over Borky, right?”

> _How will I know (Don’t trust your feelings)_  
>  How will I know   
>  How will I know (Love can be deceiving)   
>  How will I know

You stayed silent, your eyes flickering to the counter.

“Right?” Wanda prodded again.

When you didn’t answer a second time, she sighed in your ear. “Please tell me it’s not true.”

“Wanda!” you exclaimed, feeling a little offended. “Why can’t I feel what I feel?”

“Because you always do this, Y/N. You get these really deep feelings way too soon, and you always get your heart broken. I just don’t want to see you get hurt again, friend.”

Technically, she wasn’t wrong. You did tend to give your whole heart in your relationships, probably much sooner than the other person, but it was only because you cared deeply about people. You thought people deserved love, and while in the past you were better off just being friends, there was no denying that what you really wanted was true love.

Maybe that was the true issue.

Were you forcing it already? Did you make it all up, project onto Bucky what you wanted him to feel to justify it? Wanda’s words struck a chord; now you weren’t even sure yourself.

“Well, _friend_ ,” you echoed, trying by failing to keep the irritation out of your tone. “How am I supposed to know what I’m feeling? How am I supposed to predict how he’s feeling, while we’re at it?”

> _How will I know if he really loves me_  
>  I say a prayer with every heartbeat   
>  I fall in love whenever we meet   
>  I’m asking you what you know about these things 

“Well, has he said anything about it yet?”

With your cereal long forgotten, you flopped back down on the couch. “I mean, not really, no. Nothing like, explicitly declaring his love for me if that’s what you mean.”

Now the world didn’t seem as warm and bright as it had earlier, as if the sky was reflecting your change in mood. The clouds that were promised by the local weatherman were rolling in, and with them came a dim light and slight chill in the air.

Wanda didn’t speak for a few beats.

You picked at a piece of lint on your pajama pants. “Wan?”

“I don’t know what to tell you, Y/N,” she said finally. “You don’t want to say it too soon, you know, because you don’t want to scare him off, right?”

That was a reasonable statement. You stretched your legs out, putting your feet on the coffee table.

“Right. But I don’t want it to seem like he’s just a casual thing for me either, Wanda.”

“So ask him.”

> _How will I know if he’s thinking of me_  
>  I try to phone but I’m too shy (can’t speak)   
>  Falling in love is all bittersweet   
>  This love is strong, why do I feel weak

The mere thought of bringing any of this up to Bucky made you want to curl up in a ball and hide under a blanket. You’d been so sure this morning, so certain that you were right, that this connection was different and much stronger than previous relationships.

It must not be that strong if one call from your best friend could derail your confidence that much.

“I can practically hear your panicked thoughts over the line,” Wanda laughed. “Y/N, I’m going to ask you some rapid-fire questions, okay? It’s something that Vis told me about, from an article he read or something. Whatever your first answer is, that’ll be it, okay?”

You made a face. “Uh, I guess?”

“Okay. Here we go.”

“Okay.” Your grip on the phone tightened. For some reason you were nervous to see if this would actually work.

You were nervous if the truth would be different from what you wanted it to be.

“Earth to Y/N! Are you awake?”

“Yes.”

“Is it raining?”

“No.”

“Is my name Wanda?”

“Yes.”

“Are you at work?”

“No.”

“Is it Saturday?”

“Yes.”

“Did you go outside today?”

“No.”

“Are all dogs cute?”

“Yes”

“Do you love Bucky?”

“Yes.”

Your left hand clamped over your mouth in shock. You sure as hell blurted that out without thinking.

> _Oh, wake me, I’m shaking, wish I had you near me now  
>  Said there’s no mistaking, what I feel is really love_

Wanda chuckled on the other end of the line. “So anyways, there’s your answer about your feelings, Y/N. I guess it’s true.”

You could barely hear her, though, as your thoughts raced and you tried to focus on the implications. That might have solved half of the dilemma, but it still didn’t answer your main question:

Did Bucky Barnes love you, too?

> _How will I know (Don’t trust your feelings)_  
>  How will I know   
>  How will I know (Love can be deceiving)   
>  How will I know

“So now,” Wanda continued, her voice getting louder. “Now you text him and spend the day with him instead, okay?”

You shook your head. “Wait, I thought you wanted to come over and watch movies?”

“I did,” she agreed nonchalantly. “I’m over it. Go be with Borky, Y/N. I’ll see you tomorrow, maybe?”

“Okay, Wanda, and thank you. I love you.”

“Oh, now you just love everybody, is that it?”

“Again, so funny.”

“Love you too. Have fun. Text me later.”

> _If he loves me, if he loves me not_

You pressed end on the call, then stared at your contact list. Bucky’s name was just sitting there, ready for use. All you had to do was press call, or send a quick text. All you had to do was take a step towards the truth.

> _If he loves me, if he loves me not_

“Come on,” you muttered, giving the phone a shake as if it was the reason you weren’t calling or texting Bucky. “You can do this.”

> _If he loves me, if he loves me not_

What would you even say, though? ‘Hey, it’s Y/N. Wanna come over and maybe let me know if you love me or not?’

“Feh.” You stood up and launched the phone into the couch cushions, deciding to dump your mushy cereal while you tried to come up with what to say to him.

“This shouldn’t be so hard,” you chided yourself as you scraped the congealed cereal into the garbage bin. “You’ve been together an entire month now. Four weeks. Eight whole incredible dates. You can-“

Your self-pep talk was interrupted by a few raps on the door. It was probably your neighbor telling you to stop talking to yourself. That’s the kind of crazy your insecurity was causing.

You opened the door, not bothering to adjust your hair or pajamas.

To your utter surprise (and inner despair), Bucky was standing in your doorway, his blue-grey eyes wide as he took in your messy state.

“Y/N, hey,” he greeted with a warm smile. “Can I come in?”

“I uh…I wasn’t expecting you, Bucky. You usually text first?” You felt your face growing warm with embarrassment as you moved aside to let him in. If only you hadn’t worn your Wonder Woman pajamas to bed last night. Why, why, why…

“I’m sorry about that.” He held up a paper bag. “But I was nearby and I brought you bagels. You know, the ones you like from the café on the corner of Union and…what’s wrong?”

You shook your head, moving around him to head to your bedroom. “Let me just get changed.”

“Why?”

A quick glance back at him stopped you in your tracks. He truly looked confused. “Because I’m in my pajamas, my hair’s a mess, I’ve not even washed my face let alone put on makeup, Buck…I just…a little warning would have been nice.”

“I’m sorry,” Bucky repeated, stepping closer to you, his hands sliding to rest on your hips as he turned you back toward him. There was a small smile on his mouth and sincerity in his eyes. “I think you look great.”

“I look like a sloppy nerd,” you pouted, trying in vain to pull back from his embrace. So maybe you were flirting a little, too. Whatever. You had information to dig up, so it was almost necessary.

> **_Oh, how will I know?_ **

“You do,” he agreed, his smile widening. “But it’s really cute. And you’re cute when you’re embarrassed, too.”

“ _Bucky_!”

He finally got you to stand still by brushing his lips over yours once, twice, enough times to make you lean into the kiss for more. The two of you stood there, wrapped up in each other for what seemed like ten minutes but was probably less than one, before he pulled back to look at you, his eyes twinkling.

“So I take it you forgive me?”

“I guess.” You shrugged as you untangled yourself from him, making your way over to the counter and the bagels he brought. You emptied the bag and opened the cream cheese. “I mean, you did bring me food, so you must really care.”

“I do care, obviously,” Bucky agreed, coming up behind you and reaching for a bagel. “I mean, love makes me do weird things, like show up early with breakfast. Speaking of, do you want yours toasted or not?”

You felt utter shock for the second time that day as you set the cream cheese down and stared at him.

He waved the bagel in your direction. “Toasted? Not toasted?”

“Not,” you said softly, offering him a smile.

Bucky gave a nod and set your bagel on a plate for you, then moved to toast his while you went over to the couch with all the supplies. Apparently he didn’t realize the gravity of his casual comment, or if he did, he wasn’t letting on.

“Do you wanna watch a movie?” he asked as he settled in beside you, steadying his plate on his knee.

“Yeah. I’ll let you pick,” you offered, taking a generous bite. Those bagels really were heavenly.

“Really? You’d even watch an old war movie with me?” Bucky gave you an incredulous glance, then wrapped his free arm around you, reaching for the remote with the other hand. “I thought you hated those.”

“Yeah,” you repeated, snuggling closer to him. “I mean, love makes me do weird things, like put up with your bad taste in movies.”

He chuckled, pressing a soft kiss to your temple. “Good to know.”


End file.
